Vikings add Hankton to their Skankdom

I’m embarrassed to say that the signing of Cortez Hankton slipped past me this week. Everyone’s making a big deal about New England’s off-season, and I suppose they have a point. Adalius Thomas, Donte Stallworth, Wes Welker, Sammy Morris, and Kelly Washington are decent players.

But check out this off-season bonanza: Bobby Wade, Vishante Shiancoe, AND Hankton.

In your face, Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli.

I know they are not, but the Vikings off-season would appear to support the notion that Brad Childress and Rick Spielman are functionally retarded. They certainly seem to lack the necessities to effectively manage their football team.

I’ve said from Day One that Childress will go down as an 8-8 guy. He’s not horrible, like Mike Tice was, but he’s still mediocre. Speilman, however, is an abomination, and the 1-2 punch of Childress and Spielman could set the Minnesota franchise back five years. This Spielman guy makes Matt Millen look like the NFL’s version of John Schuerholz. Spielman knows football, or else he wouldn’t have a job in the NFL, but he is severely lacking in the decision-making department. Like when he traded a 2nd round pick for A.J. Feeley, for example. The Eagles got Reggie Brown with that pick. He severely overpaid for Lamar Gordon, when Ricky Williams retired. Gordon is out of the league. Spielman also traded away a 4th round pick to Minnesota to move up one spot. No, he didn’t take Miami DT Vince Wilfork; he took Vernon Carey, a desperation move.

There’s no way you can look at the Vikings’ acquisitions and think Spielman must be sitting in his office each day with a huge grin on his face, thinking he’s made coup after coup in free agency.There’s no way Spielman can believe, in his heart of hearts, that he’s put his football team in the best position to succeed. Which leads to a question: What the hell are they doing?

I honestly don’t know, but I do know the Vikings, known for offensive juice for over a decade, are looking at a 2007 season in which their offensive hopes will lie with the following players:

Tarvaris Jackson – Do not fear; they have Brooks Bollinger if Jackson struggles.

Vishante Shiancoe – He looked great on his 12 career receptions. Hire that man!

Bobby Wade – Before you rip the pickup, keep in mind the Vikings got this role player for only $15 million. 

Cortez Hankton – Charger RB Michael Turner can’t crack his starting lineup, so let’s not get too down on Hankton, who has been behind two all-time greats in Matt Jones and Reggie Williams.

Billy McMullen – The Vikings make a nice 7th round pick last year in WR Hank Baskett, but McMullen’s upside was too tantalizing to resist, so they traded him to Philly. It’s hard to argue; when was the last time an offensive player excelled under Andy Reid in Philadelphia?

And then, today, the coup de grace. The Vikings signed Todd Lowber, a former Division III college basketball player and high-jumping champion, to a three-year contract after he worked out for the team Wednesday. Lowber (6-3, 205) has never played organized football, but this is especially comical to me because Lowber starred in basketball at the one and only Richard Stockton College, located just miles from my house and also the offices of this company. This college is so lame in all areas that I have made it very clear to my oldest son that if he decides to go there, I’m not paying. If he gets accepted to Princeton, I’ll pay. Room, board, books, expenses, and more. But I won’t pay a dime if he goes to this school.

Lowber reportedly ran a 4.3 40-yard dash when he worked out for scouts a few weeks ago. “He has such freakish talent,” said his agent, Jim Ulrich. “Who knows what’s going to happen when he puts the pads on?”I’d like to venture a guess: he’s going to get his ass kicked. Really, there’s only one explanation for all this insanity. Clearly, Spielman and Childress are trying to pull off the old opposite trick made famous by one George Costanza.

And if they keep this up much more, Mr. Childress, bald like Costanza, may be uttering the following line somewhere, to someone, very soon:

“My name is Brad. I’m unemployed and I live with my parents.”

Category: Fantasy Football


6 Responses

  1. ditka85 says:

    Interesting, I didn’t know Dick Stockton had a college named after him.

    Couldn’t agree more on Spielman. I remember distinctly laughing my ass off when he traded up ONE spot to take Vernon Carey in the first. Dave Wannstedt was the Miami coach then and he was famous for outrageous reaches during his stint with the Bears. Who can forget the immortal John Allred at pick 38 or the intimidating John Thiery at pick 11 in the 1st round?

  2. John Hansen says:

    LOL, different Richard Stockton. This one is some cat from NJ who signed the Declaration of Independence.

  3. PackFan says:

    As a Packer fan, it’s always nice to hear ‘good things’ being said about our NFC North neighbors … giving away running backs, squabbles with linebackers, paying large sums of money to unknowns, picking a wide receiver first in many, many drafts and so forth. You won’t hear me snickering too long or too loud however, as we all have more than a few skeletons in our collective player acquisition closets. Tony Mandarich is the guy we selected over Barry Sanders; and yes, there are others.

    A friend of mine who’s a Viking fan (yup, there are a few lost souls staggering about in the heart of Wisconsin) proposed an interesting theory. He believes purple management is deliberately trying to kill fan interest in Minnesota, making it easier to move the team to Los Angeles. I on the other hand, continue to look on the bright side … telling him that hope springs eternal … and there’s still time for him to leave the dark side and come into the light … to leave behind the trappings of the past – to don the green and gold, and make a pilgrimage to Lambeau Field. OK … so he can’t get tickets … still, the tail gaiting will be superb. “What’s tailgaiting?” he asks …. (sigh).

    I will say this, being a Viking fan is one of the most brutal, thankless hobbies in all of sport. Haven’t had your heart broken recently? Just get a set a horns for your lid, buy a purple jersey and see what happens. Atlanta knocks you out of the Superbowl when you’re something like 14-2? Gut wrenching. Having a 4-game lead in the middle of the season and losing the division? Need blood pressure medicine? And here’s a script that Hollywood couldn’t invent … you lead the division the entire year … things turn a little muddy as usual, and you have to win your last game at Arizona … you’re ahead, it’s the 4th quarter … the last play … no time left on the clock, and Jake the Snake hits some shmuck in the corner of the endzone for six and a Cardinal victory. In first place the WHOLE SEASON and with no time left in the 16th game, you get knocked out of the playoffs … giving your spot to, off all people … the Packers. If you’re still a Vikings fan after all of this, well damn it … I face the East, raise my glass of Mountain Dew … and salute you. …. Poor Bastards!

  4. John Hansen says:

    And you didn’t even bring up the 41-0 drubbing at the hands of the Giants in 2000.

    The Vikes were 15-1 that year and Gary Anderson hadn’t missed any kick at all until they really needed him to make one in the title game. No matter, though, because Denver would have spanked them, giving them 5 SB losses. And it was Josh McCown who threw that TD pass to one Nate Poole.

  5. PackFan says:

    You write that like it’s etched into your memory bank . . . like you didn’t have to even look it up. Sorry for digging up old wounds – perhaps this bit of trivia will help ease your pain: in the 95 draft, we selected in the 5th round, (pick 170) Travis Jervey … a fast little running back out of the Citadel. In the 6th round, (pick 196) Denver picked some guy by the name of Terrell Davis.

    That single moment in time more than likely cost us our 4th Superbowl victory, as TD went on to score 3 touchdowns in an MVP performance, in between migrane headaches I might add. Am I bitter? Naaah – not me.

  6. fffanatic says:

    Wow that was Hilarious. But yet as a lifelong Vikings fan it was exactly how I feel. I was laughing through the whole thing and now I feel quite a bit of hostility toward the management. I have had a bad feeling from the moment they hired Brad Childress and when he started doing deals with his ex-team I got that bad feeling in the pit of my stomach.
    If the Vikes make a deal to move down in the draft on Saturday with the Eagles we will know their is a mutiny going on. I believe if they screw up this draft it will be the downfall of the management of this team in general.

    Great Blog though John…loved it!!

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